


Asking For A Touch

by syriala



Series: Collection of Night Drabbles [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Fighting, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Recovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Touch-Starved, bad memories, not knowing how to ask for something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-18
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-10 00:00:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4369385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/pseuds/syriala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Bucky touch held a negative connotation. During the seventy years with Hydra he had learnt that it wasn't something good, something to want and he was okay with that. Until he moved into the tower and realized that touch didn't have to be bad. Then he just wanted with no idea how to ask for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a one shot and you can all thank my dear friend Chilassa because she insisted that this was not a nice way to end this story. And because I agreed there will be a second chapter. You're welcome.

For Bucky touch held a negative connotation. 

Being touched by Hydra goons had hurt, especially if they came for the arm or shoved him in the chair. Being touched by anyone else only ever occurred during a fight and naturally that hurt no matter if he had the serum or not. 

When the people he was supposed to kill got close enough to him to touch they clung to him, begging him to stop and even though he didn’t much care about that at the time it made him wary. Bucky avoided those encounters by making sure that when he was close enough to be touched the person was already dead or severely injured and incapacitated. 

Being trained by Hydra, only being touched to teach him, it hurt even worse. If they thought Bucky had done something wrong, if he didn’t immediately excel at whatever they wanted from him, they would hurt him, hit him so he would learn faster. 

If the touch didn’t hurt then it was brief, carried out with so much loathing or fear that even Bucky in his scrambled mind could pick up on that. While this kind of touch didn't, hurt its only purpose was to get him to do something, it was never anything else than purposeful and clinically. 

Sometimes though there were stretches of time, years really, where Bucky went without a touch. They ordered him around with hateful glances and well placed words and Bucky got used to it. 

So used to it in fact that when he came to find Steve after weeks and weeks of hiding, running and fighting, after debating if it was the right thing to do, after walking away, hiding again, just seconds before Steve would have seen him, he flinched when Steve extended his hand for him. 

Steve noticed, of course he noticed, and immediately dropped his hand, promising Bucky that he wouldn't do anything he didn’t like, that he would never force anything on him. 

From then on Steve made good on that promise and kept his hands to himself, always careful to give Bucky the space he seemed to need. The only problem with that was that Bucky didn't want him to keep his promise anymore. 

It's been several months since Steve brought him to the tower and Bucky was constantly doing better, even if it was sometimes slow going, but he healed a bit every day. And by now, after shifting through so much pain and horror, all Bucky wanted was to be touched. 

He was fully integrated into life in the tower, everyone had accepted that he lived there, and Bucky was envious at the ease with which touch came to the others. 

There were affectionate shoulder clasps, nudging each other, brushing while walking and playful banter and all of that was carried out with such ease and without a second thought. 

And Bucky could see that none of the touches involved pain and if they were used to get someone to do something they were executed with care and love and a smile. 

Bucky remembered that there had been a time when he had been very tactile himself, touching Steve to help him through an asthma attack, keeping him close when the fever hit, to drag him away from a fight, dancing with a pretty girl, but it felt so far away now. It seemed like that belonged to another life, one he couldn’t have back now, no matter how good he was doing these days. 

Bucky wasn't even sure he still knew how it worked, being touched with only good intentions, without pain, and he could only learn so much from watching the others. 

He knew that Steve didn't touch him because of the promise he made on that first day and not because he didn't want to. Bucky could see it in the way Steve would sometimes extend his hand only to quickly pull it back again or how he would lean back from Bucky after he got seemingly too close while he explained something to him. 

The others never tried to touch him. Bucky wasn't sure if it was because they were not comfortable with him or if they just tried to honour his personal space but none of them ever came close to touching him. 

When they were all in the kitchen for breakfast the others kept a small distance to him, just enough space to not accidentally touch him and Bucky had been grateful for that in the beginning. He had been afraid that he would feel crowded with that many people around but that never happened and now he loathed that small space. 

Bucky knew that he could ask for it, ask Steve to forget his promise and just touch him like he so obviously wanted all the time, ask the others to quit being so careful around him, but he couldn't open his mouth. Whenever he thought about asking for that, anything really, his throat just clamed up and he couldn't get the words out. 

He wasn’t used to getting things he wanted or even being allowed to voice them; he couldn’t get his head around the fact that he wouldn’t be punished if he asked for something and so he just stayed silent. He didn't know how to express himself in a different way other than voicing his wishes and so it stayed like this. No touching, ever. 

The only one who actually came close to touching him was Tony when he worked on the arm. But he strictly stayed to the metal part, not even venturing to the seam where flesh met metal, and this was the closest that Bucky ever felt like he was back with Hydra. He's sitting on a chair, too many tools around him, and the only touch he ever got was where he didn’t really want it. 

The only difference was that Tony talked through it the whole time; first explaining what he was doing but when he realized that Bucky couldn’t follow him he changed the topic to something meaningless and while Bucky was tense at the beginning he relaxed under the constant stream of words. 

Tony also took extra care not to hurt Bucky with any of the repairs and that was so new that Bucky needed a few sessions before he started believing that this wasn't a coincident or a trick of some kind. When Bucky finally believed it he started watching Tony intently because while Steve was honouring his wishes, no one had ever actually gone out of their way to not hurt him. 

But Tony was, Bucky could tell that once he started paying attention to it. 

There were plans of his arm all over the workshop and before Tony started to work on the arm he called Bucky down to ask some questions which Bucky brushed off as a normal check-up; Hydra did that sometimes, interrogating him if the arm hurt or was damaged, and Bucky believed that that was exactly what Tony wanted to know. 

He had asked about all the weak spots the arm had, where it hurt the most and Bucky had been wary, thought Tony would use that knowledge against him. That obviously didn’t happen and now Bucky began to see that it was to keep him from being hurt by whatever Tony did. 

After Bucky realized that it took another few days before he could actually believe it but then he just wanted Tony to touch him. If he took such good care of the metal arm Bucky was sure that Tony would do the same for the rest of his body. 

But Tony never touched him, stayed meticulously clear of the seam and Bucky started to believe that it is after all his fault, that no one would want to touch him because of what he did, what he became. 

Bucky watched Tony in interaction with the others and he realized that he was a very tactile person, always in contact with the others even if it served no purpose at all. 

Bucky attended movie nights but he stayed on the side, claiming a single chair as his from where he could watch everyone, and where he wouldn’t interrupt the normality of watching a movie. They had asked him to come join them on the couch once and Bucky obliged, but it had been stiff and unnatural because suddenly everyone was tense in their desire not to touch Bucky. 

So now he kept his distance, content to just watch from the side and while everyone touched at least one other person Tony usually just sprawled all over the others. 

One leg was thrown over Thor’s lap who was sitting to Tony’s left while Tony’s head rested on Natasha’s shoulder, who pretended to allow it but actually leaned a bit into it. Tony’s right leg was thrown over Clint’s shoulder who was sitting on the ground in front of the couch and who had his arm slung around the leg to lean against it. 

This was usually how it went, Tony at least touching two of his teammates, and Bucky could not see the purpose of it. While his healing continued he began to suspect that it was purely for comfort without any ulterior motive and while he wanted that for himself he still didn't know how to ask for it. 

Tony continued to not touch him, even though he had no such concerns with the others and Bucky thought that Tony couldn't get any comfort from touching him. That maybe Tony was too repulsed or afraid to enjoy it and it only made sense. 

Bucky had killed so many people, killed Tony’s parents, wrecked chaos around the world, let himself be used for unspeakable horrors and so it was no real surprise that Tony wouldn't want to touch that. Bucky could understand it. 

It didn't change the fact that he still wanted it. 

During his time at the tower Bucky learned to make decisions for himself, to not rely on the others anymore, and they encouraged him by always giving him options, no matter what, if it was about food or movies or doing something outside of the tower and Bucky slowly relearned how to choose for himself. 

He also learned that it was okay to say ‘No’ if he didn’t want something and after he figured that out he used it quite often. While he made good progress with those things he still wasn’t able to ask for anything, so touching him was still not happening. 

If one of the others would ask him if it was okay to touch him he would probably say yes, but it seemed like no one seemed to consider that and therefore no one asked. Bucky learned to live with it but he ached all over when someone would shy away from him, especially if it was Tony who clearly enough liked touching or Steve. 

Bucky managed to live with the ache and he accepted the fact that no one would touch him except for the occasions where the metal arm was touched and he was sure he could live without it. He had done it with Hydra he could do it here. 

~*~  
Bucky was sitting in the kitchen when Tony approached him. “So, Barnes, wanna get a coffee? There’s a new shop down the block, thought we could try it.” 

Bucky looked down at the cup of coffee he was currently holding and then looked at Tony again who shrugged. 

“Yap, you’re all set. Maybe some other time then” Tony said and started to fill his own cup. 

Bucky knew that the team wanted to get him out of the tower more, to get him used to crowds again and they all took turns. Bucky had been grocery shopping with Bruce, he went with Steve to get new art supplies, he had accompanied Clint and Natasha to get some new furniture for their floors and Thor had dragged him out to get a hot dog. 

He hadn’t been out with Tony yet and while he liked the coffee in the tower and didn’t see the sense of paying more money for it he thought that getting out of the tower today wouldn’t be so bad. He had days where he felt trapped in it and on others he never wanted to leave, afraid of the world outside, but he felt good enough to leave today. 

“Okay” he said when Tony was already leaving again and he turned around. 

“Okay for some other time or okay for now?” he asked and looked expectantly at Bucky. 

“Okay for now” he replied and Tony smiled at him. 

“Great. Let’s go then” he said and hastily put his mug back on the counter next to Bucky’s. 

It was a small coffee shop, not too many people were inside, and Bucky was thankful for that. He hated the Starbucks shops with their ever busy atmosphere but this shop seemed relaxed and calm somehow. 

Still, they had too many coffees to choose from and in the end Tony had to narrow it down to two so that Bucky could choose more easily. They ordered and then went to the side to wait for their coffees, Bucky was not yet comfortable enough to sit down and drink it there. It didn’t take long at all but when Tony reached for the cups all hell broke loose. 

Something nearby exploded and glass and furniture came flying their way. Bucky dropped his coffee to reach for the knife he always had in his pants but he froze when hands reached for him. 

Tony grabbed him by the shoulder, one hand over his head, and he tucked him close to shield him from a chair that came flying their way. It hit Tony right in the back and Tony just clung tighter to Bucky as if he was the priority right now. 

When no more things came flying Tony let go of Bucky and whirled around to assess the situation. Bucky knew that he should move, do something to help, but he was frozen to the spot, too shocked to react right away. 

This had been the first touch since he escaped the clutches of Hydra and while Tony had cling a bit too hard for it to be painless it had been with such good intentions that Bucky didn’t know how to handle it. 

He snapped back when someone started shooting at them, afraid because Tony was still standing right in front of Bucky, but when he got a clear look at the situation, he was relieved. Tony was already inside the armour that must have no doubt come from the tower and two of the guys who attacked them were now on the ground. 

A third was currently making his way over to them, he came from the side, and Tony was still occupied with the one shooting at them. Bucky finally got his knife out and knocked the man approaching them from down. 

Tony briefly looked over to him, as if to check that he was alright, and Bucky knew that he wasn’t yet cleared for action, he wasn’t even cleared to hold a gun, but he disliked being unarmed with a passion and no one really missed the kitchen knives he took. 

He threw his knife when one of the remaining two guys lifted his gun and it hit him right in the neck. Tony took the last one out and not even five minutes after the explosion the fight was already over. 

Tony lifted his face plate when he turned to Bucky. “You okay?” he asked and went over to get the knife Bucky had thrown. He returned it to Bucky who was surprised by that. 

“I’m not allowed to carry a weapon.” 

“I didn’t see a weapon” Tony said and winked at him and Bucky quickly hid the blade again, before Tony could change his mind. 

“I wonder what they wanted” Tony asked and kneeled over one of the man to check for any obvious signs as to whom they belonged to. 

Bucky could guess that they were after him but he didn’t say anything. Instead he helped one of the customers who had a gushing cut on their arm. By the time the police and ambulances arrived Tony and Bucky had tended to all of the customers. Some had serious injuries but luckily no one was dead. 

When they returned to the tower the others were all over them, asking questions and Steve kept a close eye on Bucky who felt uncomfortable under the scrutiny. 

He quickly fled and made his way to his floor but while he waited for the elevator he could hear Tony say “Let him go, Steve. He did really well today. I don’t think you have to worry.” 

Bucky quickly stepped into the elevator, glad that Steve seemed to listen to Tony and did not follow him and as soon as the doors closed he began to shake. 

He had been touched. Someone had touched him and hadn’t reacted badly to it in any way. 

That thought occupied Bucky the rest of the week and he replayed the memory again and again only to find that he wanted it to happen again. He had wanted that the whole time but now that he actually knew what it felt like to be touched like this there was a desperate note to his wish. 

He spend most of the days after the incident in the workshop, and while Tony had been surprised and told him that there wasn’t a new upgrade he had for the arm, he had eventually accepted that Bucky just wanted to keep him company. Tony didn’t seem to mind him, in fact he almost seemed delighted that Bucky came back every day, but he hadn’t made a move to touch him again. 

Bucky understood that it was nearly impossible when he stayed on the couch and Tony was working on something but even when there was the opportunity Tony kept his hands to himself. 

When they were in the kitchen there was still that small safety space everyone seemed to keep around him and even when he did eventually work on the arm again Tony still never touched anything but the metal. 

In the end it was Bucky who reached out for him, fully intending to clasp Tony’s shoulder but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was like Steve, so obvious in his want to touch, but he never crossed the last inch either, always stopped himself. 

And Tony never reacted to it. Bucky had thought that maybe he was just oblivious but in the end Bucky decided that that couldn’t be. It was much more likely that Tony didn’t say anything to encourage him because he didn’t want to be touched by Bucky. That Tony was disgusted or afraid of him and the thing in the coffee shop had been nothing more than pure reflex.

After that thought found a place in Bucky’s head he made a great effort to keep his hands to himself, to not let himself be tempted to touch Tony but it was always there, always in the back of his mind how easy it would be to just reach across and lay his hand on Tony’s shoulder. 

The only thing that kept Bucky from doing that was the surely disgusted face Tony would make once Bucky made contact and so he kept his hands at his side. He had lived so long without being touched he surely could do that again. 

It didn’t matter that he now knew what if felt like to be touched, to be embraced, and to feel the warmth of the other person. 

But it didn’t help that while Tony never touched him after that he was still tactile with the rest of the team. The only difference now was that Bucky knew how those hands felt on his arm, around his shoulders and he just wanted to feel that again. 

He even attempted to ask Tony a few times but while he could talk to Tony more easily than to the rest of the team no sound had made it out of his mouth. He still didn’t know how to ask that for himself, how to voice that one wish, even though he got so much better at asking for other things. 

Bucky had thought about leaning in when Steve reached for him the next time, to show him that it was okay, but after the incident in the coffee shop he never thought of that again out of fear that once Steve would have touched him he would never want to do it again, just like Tony. 

That decision didn’t change anything in his life except that he began to accept the fact that even though he was doing so much better lately still no one wanted to touch him. 

He joked with the others now, usually taking part in any group activity and while Steve sometimes seemed to just want to clap him on the back no one else made a move to do that and Bucky slowly began to accept that if he wanted to be part of the team he had to refrain from touching anyone so that no one would become disgusted with him. 

He had done it before and he was sure that he could do it again, especially if it meant he could stay with the team. It was a small price to pay.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is now Tony's pov and plays after the first chapter. If I forgot to tag anything please feel free to tell me. I hope you enjoy it.

Tony was very careful to keep his hands to himself when he was around Bucky. 

He had seen the other man’s reaction to being touched by various members of their team and it never went well. In the end everyone was especially careful around Bucky and Tony was no exception to that. 

It was a bit hard for him because he was working on the arm and Tony had to constantly remind himself to stick to the metal part, to not carelessly brush along skin, but he managed. It also didn’t help that Tony himself found touch to be a comforting thing, both giving and receiving, but he tried to reign himself in, for Bucky’s sake. 

He hadn’t responded well to being touched and even though it had been quite some time now Bucky had never made a move to indicate that it was okay now. 

Tony saw that Steve wanted to touch Bucky all the time but whenever he extended his hand Bucky’s face twitched and Steve lowered it again. Tony had touched Bucky exactly once and he still regretted it. 

It had been in the coffee shop and it had been pure instinct to protect Bucky. But Bucky had frozen under his touch, rendered completely motionless, and Tony swore to himself to never do that to Bucky again. It had been stupid in the first place because Tony wasn’t in his suit, which ended in a rather spectacularly bruised back, and Bucky was more than capable of taking care of himself, as he demonstrated once he came out of his shock. 

They didn’t talk about it afterwards, Tony too afraid that he destroyed the trust Bucky had to have in him in order to let him work on the arm, and Bucky just vanished afterwards; that made it very clear that he didn’t want to talk about it. 

Tony had thought that it also meant that they were through but Bucky came down to the workshop three days later, shyly complaining about limited movement in his fingers. Tony was so relieved to see him back down here that he stared for a few seconds before his brain kicked back in. He ushered Bucky to his usual seat and everything went back to normal after that. 

Bucky made good progress with his recovery and he also started to talk more. He didn’t just accept everything he was presented with but he demanded things for himself now. It was small things, things that wouldn’t justify recognition with anyone else, but since it was Bucky everyone picked up on it. He also joined movie night more regularly now, though he still stuck to his chair on the side. 

Tony wasn’t staring at Bucky, he wasn’t a creep, but he was watching enough to notice the subtle change on his face whenever one of the team touched someone else. It didn’t stand out so much during the day but during movie night everyone touched at least one other person and Bucky seemed to be uncomfortable with that even though he didn’t participate and no one made a move to touch him. 

Tony guessed that the concept of touch wasn’t positive for Bucky, that he didn’t understand the comfort that could come from it, and his heart ached for him. Tony hadn’t been very tactile before Afghanistan but after that experience he had learned that touch from the right person could be very comforting. 

Since the team had moved into the tower Tony had found that all of his teammates were the right person and since no one objected he wasn’t shy about seeking that comfort out. He was a bit hesitant around Steve because there was this whole Captain America leader thing going on but since Steve never objected Tony figured it wasn’t a problem for him. 

But it was obvious that Bucky wouldn’t find comfort in touch and so Tony made sure to never touch him. He came close, a few times, working on the arm or just reaching out for him out of habit but he never really made the contact. Whenever that happened something in Bucky’s face shifted and Tony was glad that he caught himself. He didn’t want to be the reason for the look of fear or disgust on that face. 

Over the time Bucky spend more and more time down in the workshop. Tony had asked him about that once, thinking that it had to remind him too much of Hydra to be comfortable, but Bucky had shrugged and mumbled “There is life down here” before he settled into his usual spot on the couch. 

Tony hadn’t asked about it further but he looked around and it was true. There was life down here. Dummy and You were rolling around happily chirping away, music was blaring, there were always some diagnostics that ran in the background and Tony himself wasn’t quiet either. He bantered with Jarvis or scolded one of his bots or just plainly ran his mouth and Tony could see how that would be comforting to Bucky. 

Tony had read the files and as far as he could see none of that was like the room Hydra kept Bucky in. So he didn’t comment when Bucky came in and he especially didn’t say anything about the odd hours. 

Tony kept odd hours because he forgot to sleep or whatever he did was more important than sleep, and only sometimes because he had a nightmare, but he guessed that nightmares were Bucky’s main reason. When he came down during the night he was usually sweaty and pale and he was a shivering mess more often than not. 

Tony had asked once but Bucky just glared at him so he never brought it up again. He did however bring down several blankets and even though Bucky never mentioned them he huddled under them and whenever that happened Tony couldn’t help but smile; at least he could help with that. 

Whenever Bucky was in the workshop during the day Steve would join them eventually. Tony understood that he was worried about his friend, that he sought his company as much as possible after thinking he was dead for so long, but it irritated Tony and he liked it better at night, when it was just the two of them. 

He never said anything of course, how could he when Bucky still barely tolerated more than one person at a time, and still didn’t want to be touched; but he accepted them and Tony wouldn’t ruin that. 

During the nights Tony sometimes caught Bucky staring at his hands like he wasn’t sure what to do with them or what their purpose was and every time that happened Tony wanted nothing more than to go over and take his hands into his own, to tell him that it was okay, but he never did. He wanted Bucky to be happy down here, to feel safe, and invading his personal space, crossing boundaries like that, certainly wouldn’t help. 

Time passed by and one evening Tony noticed that Bucky’s unreadable flinch whenever someone touched anyone changed into something painful. Tony thought that Bucky was doing better now, he actively participated and even moved the chair next to the couch, but it seemed like his aversion to touch only got worse. 

So it caught Tony by surprise when he saw Bucky extend a hand towards Steve, who had his back towards him, only to withdraw the hand in the last second. Tony witnessed this behaviour a few more times before he noticed that it was strictly limited to Steve. 

Bucky never tried to touch anyone else and Tony didn’t know how to feel about that. It was good that Bucky tried to overcome that particular obstacle but Tony had thought that they were close enough now that Bucky would also put his trust into him. Tony knew of course that nothing could compare to the friendship and history Bucky and Steve had, and that was okay, it really was. It was helping Bucky, but sometimes, just sometimes, it hurt that Bucky wouldn’t rely on him. Tony kept silent about it though and he tried to accept it. It was harder than Tony would have liked but there was nothing else he could do about it. 

He watched this routine for a few more days before he decided to talk to Steve about it. He called him down to the workshop when Bucky was out for his meeting with his therapist so Tony could be sure that he wouldn’t suddenly drop by. 

“Tony” Steve greeted when he entered the shop, “what is it?” 

Tony whirled around on his chair to face him and fiddled with his screwdriver. “It’s about Bucky, actually.” 

Steve immediately looked worried. “Did he do something? He isn’t stable yet, you know that, so please…” 

“Steve, relax. He didn’t do anything” Tony quickly explained and Steve sat down on the couch obviously relieved. “Thank god. Then what is it?” he asked and rubbed a hand over his face. 

“Did you notice that he has a thing about touching?” Tony asked, even though he was pretty sure that didn’t escape Steve’s notice and to prove him right Steve let out a bitter laugh. 

“Of course I did. The first time I reached for him he flinched. I never tried to touch him after that.” 

Yeah, Tony could only imagine how that went. “Okay. But did you also notice that he tries to touch you now?” he questioned and watched Steve closely and that was the only reason he saw the fleeting, tight smile that crossed his face. 

“I noticed” Steve silently said and sat up, elbows on his knees. “I noticed. It has been gone on for some time now. He never does it though and so I didn’t say anything. I don’t want him to feel pressured.” 

Tony nodded, he could get behind that reasoning. “Okay. I just wanted to make sure that it didn’t escape your notice” he said and waved a hand around. This time Steve’s smile lasted longer. 

“Did you also notice he tries to touch you too?” Steve asked in return and Tony couldn’t help but to blink in surprise. 

“He does what? Why would he?” 

Steve shrugged at that. “He seems to trust you.” 

Tony thought about that. It bugged him that he hadn’t noticed it himself but he was unexplainably happy about it. Sure, Bucky hadn’t actually touched him yet, he hadn’t overcome his aversion, but it looked like Bucky did trust him enough to trust him with this big step, if it ever would come to that. 

“You really didn’t notice?” Steve asked after a while and Tony shook his head. “Tony, he spends all his time down here. Literally every second he can spare. Of course he would trust you with that as well. Christ, he lets you work on the arm. I’m not even allowed to touch him, let alone that arm.” 

That came as a surprise to Tony. He had thought that the arm was a different matter, that Bucky wasn't so sensitive there and that that was the only reason he allowed Tony to work on it. Seemed he had been wrong about that. 

Steve chuckled at his very obviously surprised expression but Tony couldn't find it in him to be angry about that. "Yeah, yeah, you just laugh" he said but he had to smile as well. 

After that they changed topics and Steve actually stayed in the workshop for quite some time. When Tony had resumed his work Steve produced a paper and pencil from somewhere and started to sketch. 

They were both still engrossed in their work when Bucky walked in. He seemed surprised to see Steve down here but he sat down on the couch next to him. He kept a small distance between them, just enough to not accidentally touch when one of them moved, but he seemed pretty relaxed. 

"How did it go with the therapist?" Steve asked without taking his eyes off his work. 

"Okay" Bucky shrugged and kept his eyes on his hands which were fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "There are some things I still have to work on" he eventually added and looked first at Steve and then at Tony who smiled at him. Bucky quickly avoided his eyes again but he stayed on the couch. 

The three of them spend the rest of the day like this, Steve only getting up to get more paper, until Jarvis announced that Bruce had cooked for the team. 

They kept this routine up for the next couple of weeks; Steve was with them more often than not but the nights still belonged to only Tony and Bucky. 

One night Bucky seemed more composed than usual when he came down and instead of settling down on the couch he got himself a chair and sat next to Tony to watch him work. 

Tony was trying to make a new arrow for Clint, one that could cause multiple explosions, but it wasn't going so well. So far it had blown up twice in his face and Tony's ears were still ringing a bit. 

"What happened?" Bucky asked and pointed at his face, presumably at some grease or some leftover of the explosion. 

"Didn't work like I wanted" Tony gritted out, screwdriver in his mouth. "Blew up." 

"Shouldn't someone check that out?" Bucky asked and pointed at his forehead. Tony touched were Bucky was pointing at and flinched when his fingers met something wet. 

"Jarvis" he sighed and put a rag to the wound. 

"You told me to not say a word, sir" Jarvis replied and Tony rolled his eyes. 

"How bad?" he asked and was surprised when Bucky instead of Jarvis answered. "Doesn't look too bad. A band aid would be good, though." 

"Gotcha" Tony answered and got up to get the first aid kit he kept in the workshop for precisely those situations. He briefly considered asking Bucky to put it on but he seemed so good tonight and Tony didn't want to ruin that so he asked Jarvis to pull up a mirror so he could do it himself. 

It really wasn't that bad and the band aid was securely in place a moment later. Bucky briefly looked stricken and Tony saw how he raised his hand but when Tony turned back around he sat there like before, though he seemed a bit sad. 

"So what's up, Buckaroo?" Tony asked in an attempt to lighten the mood. That nickname never failed to make Bucky smile and today was no exception. 

"Nothing" he shrugged. "Couldn't fall asleep." 

That explained his relatively good mood and was a hell of a let better than being awake because of nightmares. "Well, be my guest, obviously" Tony said and went back to his work. 

After some minutes he noticed that Bucky was eying him curiously. "What" Tony asked without taking his eyes from the arrowhead. He didn't want to blow it up yet again. 

"When do you sleep?" Bucky asked promptly and he sounded genuinely curious. 

"Mostly I don't" Tony shrugged. "And when I do it's a nap really." Tony had expected that question much earlier because he was always there when Bucky came down. 

He wasn’t about to admit that Jarvis usually woke him up when Bucky woke up from a nightmare, so that he could be down here before Bucky made his way down to the workshop and so far it had worked well. But still, no need to admit that. 

"But don't you need sleep?" Bucky inquired further and Tony shrugged again. 

"It's not like I don't sleep. It's just a big waste of time and I do it when it's least inconvenient." 

Bucky raised an eyebrow at that but he let it go, much to Tony's relief. "What are you doing there" he asked instead of pestering Tony more about his sleeping habit and Tony gladly explained the concept. 

It wasn’t like Steve didn't understood Tony when he started to talk about his work but he was just not interested. Unlike Bucky who wanted to know everything and asked questions if he didn't understand something the first time. In the beginning Tony had thought that it would eventually annoy him to explain everything he was doing but to his surprise that wasn't the case. 

Quite the opposite really, he enjoyed the attentive company and had no problem going over a thing a couple of times. So they spend the rest of the night like that, Tony explaining and Bucky content with listening and asking the occasional question. 

It was one of Tony's favourite nights even though on occasions like this it was hard to not touch Bucky. When he didn't came down because of a nightmare he always seemed relaxed and when he was sitting next to Tony he leaned into his space especially if Tony showed him something. When Bucky did that Tony itched to lean against him, to touch his shoulder but he always pulled back, much to Bucky's relieve like it seemed. 

Still it was by far better than when Bucky came in because he had a nightmare which happened a few nights later. 

Jarvis announced Bucky's approach so Tony wasn't surprised when he showed up a few minutes later. What he hadn't expected though was the state Bucky was in. He was as pale as a ghost, hair sticking up where it wasn't plastered to his skin and he was a shivering mess. What worried Tony the most though was that Bucky was crying and that hadn't happened before. 

"Bucky" Tony exclaimed and rushed to his side. He wanted to take his arm to stabilize him but he didn't think that it would be appreciated so he stood there, arms hanging uselessly at his side and at a total loss as to what to do. 

"Tony" Bucky practically whimpered and clutched his shirt. "Please" he breathed and looked so frightened that it hurt Tony. Bucky was supposed to feel safe down here. 

"What can I do, Buck?" he asked and didn't quite dare to take Bucky's hand. 

"I need...can you just...touch me, please?" His voice was small and he didn't meet Tony's eyes but Tony didn't hesitate. He had waited very long for that permission. 

"Of course" he said and instantly covered Bucky's hand on his shirt with his. "Let's get you to the couch, okay?" he asked and put his other hand under Bucky's arm to guide him there. 

Tony wasn't quite sure how much touch Bucky could tolerate right now but he shouldn't have worried because as soon as they were sitting down Bucky latched onto his side. He threw his arms around Tony's middle and pressed his face into his shoulder and then he didn't move. 

"Okay, Buck. I'm just gonna get a blanket, don't move" Tony eventually said and very carefully stretched to put it over both of them. He tucked Bucky in in hopes to warm him up so that the shivering would stop and then he put his arms around Bucky. Tony stroke his back until the shivering stopped and then he pulled Bucky even closer. 

"Try to get some sleep, Buck" he whispered into his hair and he felt the sigh Bucky let out more than he heard it. 

"Thanks, Tony." He already sounded sleepy and Tony smiled. "No problem, Bucky." 

And it really wasn't. He was happy right where he was but he suspected that there needed to be some talking in the morning. But for now he pushed that thought aside and concentrated on Bucky in his arms and his now even breaths. He fell asleep with a little smile. 

When Tony woke up he was disoriented for a second because that wasn't his bedroom and he was pretty sure he didn't invite someone into his bed last night. He carefully looked around and when he recognized his workshop he also remembered what happened last night. 

Bucky was still pressed to his side though the fact that he was tracing the outline of the arc reactor proved that he was awake. "Hey" Tony said and groaned when he moved his neck. Sleeping on the couch was definitely not something he should do again. 

When Bucky realized that Tony was awake he quickly scrambled away from him. "I'm sorry" he said and didn't meet Tony's eyes. "I'll leave now" Bucky whispered and started to get up. 

"Hey, no, wait" Tony called and caught his wrist. He tugged hard enough to get Bucky back on the couch but then he let go. He wasn't sure if his touch was still welcome now that the night had passed. "I think we should talk about this" Tony stated and Bucky sank into himself. It looked like he tried to make himself very small and Tony didn't like it. 

"I'm sorry. I know...I just needed...I'm so sorry. I won't do it again. Please don't be...disgusted" Bucky rambled and Tony felt his heart constrict. He sounded so afraid and lost. 

"No, I'm not...Bucky, why would I ever be disgusted by you?" Tony asked a bit incredulous because that was the last thing he was when it came to Bucky. Still, Bucky hunched his shoulders even more. 

"I know you don't want to touch me and I am so sorry I forced this onto you, it won't happen again. I'm sorry." 

"Okay, you need to stop." Bucky flinched like he had been hit and Tony cursed himself. "I think there's a major misunderstanding going on" Tony quickly finished and that got Bucky to look at him though he still seemed uncertain. 

"What do you mean?" he tentatively asked and Tony sighed, relieved that Bucky didn't seem to want to run anymore. 

"I am not disgusted by you and frankly I doubt I ever can be." 

Bucky's eyes got big when he heard that. "But I killed your parents. And now I touched you." 

Tony thought about that for a few seconds. "I don't see the connection" he eventually said and Bucky looked down again. 

"I killed them. I shouldn't be touching you" Bucky whispered and finally Tony got it. 

"Bucky. Buck, look at me." Tony waited until blue eyes met his. "You didn't kill my parents. Hydra did. You're not at fault. I don't think of you as the murderer of my parents. You are a victim, much like they are." 

Bucky seemed confused now. "But I" he started and Tony interrupted him. "No. They. They did that. Not you. Never you" he said and extended his hand. 

He wanted to let Bucky decide if touch was okay and so he held it in front of him until Bucky finally took it. He seemed uncertain about it and Tony squeezed his hand. "There is no reason why I don't want to touch you." 

"But you never did. And then the coffee shop...and then you stayed away. You started sometimes but then you pulled away and I thought..." 

"…that I was too disgusted to touch you" Tony finished when Bucky trailed off. Tony let out another sigh when Bucky nodded at that. "Oh, Bucky, no. I wasn't disgusted. I just thought it wouldn't be welcome. You had some pretty intense reaction to being touched in the beginning and I didn't think it had changed." 

A thought occurred to Tony. "When you reached out for me did you stop because you thought I wouldn't like it? That I would be disgusted?" 

Bucky had his head down again but he nodded. 

"I didn't touch you because I thought that I would cross a boundary. That you wouldn't be comfortable." Tony couldn’t see Bucky's face but he could see enough to notice the trembling lip. 

"Is it okay if I hug you?" Tony asked and held his breath until Bucky nodded. He pulled him in and hugged him closely to his chest. Bucky was trembling again but he wasn't crying and Tony wouldn't let him go until Bucky said so. 

"You just had to ask you know? We were all giving you space. We didn't know if you were ready yet." 

Now Bucky slung his arms around Tony's middle and clutched tightly at his shirt. "I didn't know how to ask" he breathed into Tony's neck. "I didn't know...how to ask for that" he repeated and pressed himself even closer to Tony. 

"But you did yesterday. What changed?" Tony carefully asked and Bucky stayed silent for a long time. Tony didn't expect him to answer any more when he started to speak. 

"I was frozen in that machine but I could see and you...you were walking by and you didn't notice me and I screamed. You looked at me then but you didn't do anything, you just...stood there. And then the ice began to melt and I fell out of it but you didn't catch me you just stared and stared and I couldn't get up and I was so cold and you...did nothing." Bucky's breath was coming quicker now and he was trembling even more. 

"But I got you now" Tony managed through the lump in his throat. "And I would catch you. I would always catch you" Tony said and pressed a kiss into Bucky's hair. 

Bucky didn't say anything to that but he squeezed Tony so hard that breathing became difficult, though Tony was not going to complain. When Bucky calmed down he relaxed his arms but he didn't pull away and so Tony didn't move. 

"You know, Steve would be delighted if you'd touch him. He is very worried" Tony eventually said and at that Bucky finally pulled away. Tony thought he would retreat completely but Bucky stopped when he could see Tony's face, Tony's hands still over Bucky's shoulder while Bucky still clutched his shirt. 

"I have so much blood on my hands..." Bucky managed after a while but Tony shook his head. 

"Like I said, not your fault. And he really doesn't care. You know that." 

"I wasn't...sure it would go for...that as well" Bucky said haltingly and Tony sighed. 

"It goes for everything Bucky. And for everyone. No one here thinks you're worthless or disgusting. Or that you don't deserve it. They just try to give you space. If you said anything that would change in an instant" Tony explained but Bucky looked a bit shocked. 

"I don't deserve..." he nearly choked on that sentence and Tony clasped his shoulders tight. 

"Of course you deserve to be touched. Everyone does. But you also deserve to feel happy and secure and safe" Tony vehemently said. "And we thought we gave you that." 

"You did" Bucky said but Tony shook his head. 

"Something was missing, wasn't it? This" and he squeezed his hands for emphasis, "was missing." 

Bucky looked down again, where his hands were tangled in Tony's shirt. "I didn't...It wasn't in the beginning. I couldn't stand being touched. But then...that changed and I didn't know how to ask for it. I told my therapist but he wasn't a big help and I just didn’t know how to tell you that it was okay" he explained and Tony smiled. 

"Then do it now. Tell me or ask me." 

Bucky bit at his lip before he met Tony's eyes. "I want to touch you. And it's okay if you touch me" he finally managed and he felt so relieved after the words left his mouth that he very nearly missed the happy expression on Tony's face. 

Tony was smiling when he said "Okay" and then he was hugging Bucky again. 

They stayed like that for a few minutes before Bucky pulled away again and Tony was quick to give him his space. He wasn't about to stretch the limits here. Bucky thought that he would probably never have to worry that Tony would do anything he didn't want. 

"Can we wait with telling the others? It's a bit overwhelming." 

"Of course" Tony agreed at once. "There’s no need to rush. Take your time. I won't say anything if you are not ready." 

"Thank you" Bucky sad and he hoped that he could convey how grateful he was. He fiddled a bit with his hands before he asked "Can we watch a movie and...eh..." he trailed off, unable to say the word, it was still foreign, but thankfully Tony knew what he meant. 

"Cuddle? Damn, yes, of course. Come here." 

Tony flopped down where he had slept the night before and he pulled Bucky down with him. Bucky hadn't been able to appreciate it yesterday but now he relished in the warmth of Tony's body and the hand that stroke his back. 

"So what do you wanna watch?" Tony asked but Bucky couldn't care less. He was happy right where he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your comments and the kudos, it means a lot to me.
> 
> You can also find me at my [tumblr](http://bloody-bee-tea.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. If you think I forgot to tag anything please feel free to mention that, as well as pointing out mistakes.
> 
> Come find me on my [tumblr](http://bloody-bee-tea.tumblr.com/)


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